Thursday, June 15, 2006

what are you gonna do...

He's been here and gone already - for mid-tour leave. I haven't wanted to write, I haven't wanted to think about it, I haven't wanted to feel... But I do think about it, feel about it and about him - a lot..
This deployment has been very different from his first tour. In some ways harder, in some ways not. But mostly I have dealt with it differently. Probably not BETTER than before - just different. I have distanced myself from it, you see. Everything about this deployment is in a jar behind the door (figuratively) and unfortunately this jar is as big as the house and I walk by it pretending not to see it.
And it whispers to me. Night and day it whispers to me about what could be. What if this happens, what if that happens. Horrible uncertainties. And I pray in the night. I pray in the day. I pray that these awful things never happen, that they stay in the realm of uncertainty. I pray that my child comes home safe and whole, healthy and undamaged. And I know he IS damaged. I know his soul has been cut and tattered. That his heart is heavy and worn and he will be sharp around the edges once he gets home. And I pray that this return will also be a relatively short time of that hardness on him.
And how do you bargain with God? Please God, let it happen to some other mother's son? You can't. You want to and you can't and you don't want to pray that and still you can't. So I pray "please God please God please God please God - keep him safe and whole, help me, help him, help him, help him. Hold him close to your heart, Lord. Don't let anything happen to him." And you know that you sort of are praying that if something bad happens it happens to someone else. And you don't mean that - you just want your child safe. It doesn't matter that this "child" is 6'3'' and full grown and a man in ways that you would never hope has to happen to any one. And while you admire the man he has become, the wholeness of what makes him a man - he is still that sweet little child, your little son you held in your arms and vowed you would protect with your very life. This child now grown into a man who is protecting you and the world at large with his very life.
And you act as if everything is fine. You act as if your heart is not on fire with fear and worry. You walk through your days doing your best to give the illusion that nothing is wrong, all is well. And you bear the weight of this lonely tour of duty without the one you want near by. Oh wives and children - God bless you. I'm a mother of an infantryman and I know this fear and worry. I know this lonely journey. How much more does it weigh for a wife? Hang in there. Find a friend who is in the same boat - because all those people who claim they understand - you know THEY DO NOT UNDERSTAND... Thank God for those who do. Thank God for prayers...

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home